bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
