Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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