I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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