i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
