So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
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