that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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