i wish starbucks made bloody marys
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
