Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
