So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
