My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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