I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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