i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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