I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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