your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
