I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize