yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
