Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
What a dumb baby whore.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
