MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
