wanna go halves on a baby?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
