I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
