You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
