she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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