she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize