Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
We were destined to go to rehab together
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
