we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
