dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
