Have you finally orgasmed yet?
my phone needs a breathalizer
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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