My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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