I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Randomize
