Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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