I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
