There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
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