YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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