First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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