I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
