If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
