Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
