I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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