also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
