I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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