she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
