I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
