Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
