Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
