What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
