turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
