Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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