youre lurking in front of me
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
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