FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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