Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
