I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
