My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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