you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
