clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize