you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
