how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
