if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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