Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
