I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
