I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
