i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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