Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize