new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
This is the high leading the old right now
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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