You made me cry and you don't even care
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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