Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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