I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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