When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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