I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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