Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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