I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You smell like stripper and shame
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
