Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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